Life

You never know where life is going to take you..........you think you have one thing to deal with and come to find out it's so much deeper than that one thing. It's worse then dealing the sexual childhood abuse, it's a pain that is deep, that is at the core of me. It's a pain that makes me feel unworthy, unloveable, that I can not good enough, that I am easy to leave, that I am not worthy to fight for, that I am not someone who is worth staying with. This, this is me! Right now it is hard to think of getting out of this, to think that I am worthy of something. Every man has left me, even the one I am in love with, even the one who I thought would fight for this marriage. The one who told me he would! Lies, so many lies. It just reconfirms everything! Everything! That I am nothing! NOTHING! That I am worthless! A piece of shit that can be thrown away, that I did not do anything good enough. Me, that is me! How so very sad! That a whole life of growing up, that was what was shown me over and over again and recomfirmed by everyman I have been with, even the man who did not fit the mold of any man I had dated before. This says that this is something about me, who I am. Because if I was really that great, carying, compassionate, loving....etc.....then wouldn't they want to be with me? Wouldn't they want to fight for the marriage? wouldn't they? shit a brick and stuff a donkey! Just when you think it can't get any worse, it does!

Hurt

It is so hard to see the ones that you love walking around in pain and you can see the greatness in them but they can not see their own greatness. I tend to carry their pain with me throughout the day, their sadness because that is all that I can do to remind me of their pain and suffering. I can do nothing else but that. This is a journey that they have to walk by themselves. i can support them and hear them but I can't change anything for them. I wish I could wisk it away and let them be whole and healthy again. I also know that is not possible since they would not learn what they need to learn through this...........self love! TO love oneself is the greatest love that you can start with because than you are able to love others.

So take your journey my dears friends and lover and know that I am here to support and comfort you during your hard times. That God is always carrying you!

I love you both!